“Order, order. This meeting is now coming to order.” Jake said as his various WoW characters took their seats around him. “Okay, first order of business. Jakko, current item level?”
“498.” Jakko replied.
“Alright then. Here’s what I’m thinking.” Jake began. “A weekend’s worth of grinding LFG and LFR for valor points and you’ll be able to afford an upgrade which should bring you up to the big five-double-o. Then, your item level may finally be high enough to effectively solo heroic Zul’Aman, once you respec Balance of course, and get those transmog shoulders you’ve been wanting for years.”
“Damn straight!” Jakko the troll druid replied as he slapped his desk. “If I’m gonna do Siege of Orgrimmar, preferably with the rest of the guild, I wanna look pimpin’ doin’ it.”
“Very good. Next order of business; Gorrin?” Jake asked.
“Yes?” Gorrin the orc warlock replied.
“How goes your leveling through Pandaria?” Jake asked.
“I’m currently level 88, nearly there.” Gorrin replied.
“Aren’t you still in the Valley of the Four Winds though?” Jakko asked.
“Well yes, of course.” Gorrin answered. “My new friend Yoon and I are running a farm together after all. In fact, I plan on just flat-out living in Halfhill for the rest of the expansion.”
“But how are you gonna get to 90 without ever leaving an 86-88 zone?” Jakko asked.
“Oh come now Jakko, that’s what the LFG tool is for.” Gorrin answered.
“You really think that’ll work out for ya?” Jakko asked.
“Hey, it’s either that or go questing in the Dread Wastes at level 89.” Gorrin countered.
Jakko shuddered at mention of the Dread Wastes. “Point taken.” he muttered.
“Yeah, good idea Gorrin. No obnoxious tank could ever be worse than leveling there.” Jake added. The poor player still had nightmares about that place. So many mobs… “Konglow?”
“Huh? What?” the pandaren monk replied, clearly sleepy. Jake rolled him after finally getting curious about how the monk class played.
“How are you coming along?” Jake asked.
“Oh, you know….level 16.” Konglow replied as he yawned. “I figure I’ll be ready to join the guild at around level 20.”
“Konglow, you’re the first serious Alliance character I’ve played in years.” Jake pointed out. “You really should take your position within my roster more seriously.”
“Hey, I’m lax. That’s how you wrote me.” Konglow said with a shrug.
“Just keep leveling.” Jake ordered. “Okay, I think that covers everything.”
It was then that not one, but two loud throat-clears were heard. The table then turned to two goblins at the table; Jakko’s ‘siblings,’ Rikko and Spritzie. They were glaring daggers at their creator. “Yes Rikko? Spritzie?” Jake asked, suddenly a bit uncomfortable.
“I’m level 75.” Rikko stated.
“I’m level 60.” Spritzie also stated. “Notice anything wrong with this picture?” she asked.
“Er, not really.” Jake said.
“Neither of us are max level.” Rikko said. “…And just to recap, when exactly did you first thought us up?”
“Er…..just before Cataclysm was released?” Jake tried.
“And when was that?” Spritzie asked.
“….Mid-2010.” Jake answered.
“Four years ago.” Rikko venomously said. “We’ve been on your character for four years and we’ve never reached max level. Why do you think that is, Jake?”
“Well, I am an altoholic. Throw in my worldly responsibilities and other hobbies and of course I would be distracted.” Jake tried to defend himself.
“And yet, you rolled Jakko during Cataclysm as a druid, and you were able to level him all the way up to level 85, even got him to Dragon Soul.” Spritzie pointed out. “Meanwhile, you got us both to around level 40 on Blackwater Raiders, then deleted us so you could re-roll us on Wyrmrest Accord because you didn’t want to pay 25 bucks a pop to transfer us over.”
“Oh come on, 40 levels is nothing nowadays!” Jake indignantly shouted. “Hell, getting to max level is nowhere near as hard as it used to be!”
“And yet, here we are. Still lowbies after all these years.” Rikko said. “I’ll cut right to the chase Jake. Spritzie and me aren’t max level and frankly, we’re sick and tired of it.”
“Alright, fine.” Jake said. “I’ll get back to leveling you two. You’ll be leveling priorities alongside Gorrin and Konglow.”
“Oh, we’re not talkin’ about leveling anymore.” Spritzie said.
“…Then, what are you talking about?” Jake asked as he suddenly got a bad feeling in the pit of his wallet.
“You know exactly what we’re talkin’ about.” Rikko accused.
“Um….well…..I can’t boost you two.” Jake said. “For several reasons. One, I’m not pre-ordering Warlords of Draenor. Not because I’m not going to get the expansion, obviously I am, but I don’t believe in pre-orders.”
“You don’t believe in pre-orders?” Rikko said. “Who do you think you are, Mr. Pink?”
“I just think that it’s become an unhealthy business practice for the games industry.” Jake argued. “Aliens: Colonial Marines is a perfect example of how the business model could be abused.”
“Oh that’s horse-crap.” Rikko said. “You know Blizzard would never be dumb enough to pull the shit that game did. They’d alienate a huge chunk of their consumer-base.”
“I’m not so sure.” Gorrin interjected. “They’ve been working on World of Warcraft for, what, ten years now? Surely they must be tired of it by now. It’s possible that they might deliberately make WoD awful to ensure it really is the last expansion; a case of ‘Torch the Franchise and Run,’ as TVtropes calls it. They’re creative minds who want to move on to bigger and better things.”
“One, you don’t know that.” Jakko pointed out. “And two, even if you’re right, even if Blizzard are tired of WoW and want to move on to something else, deliberately sabotaging their own franchise is still stupid. They’d alienate their fan base so much, that they won’t want anything to do with whatever new project Blizzard wants to do just because of how badly they got burned with WoD.”
“THE POINT IS.” Rikko suddenly yelled. “Blizzard won’t pull an Aliens: Colonial Marines because they are NOT that stupid, so I think Jake can make an exception to his ‘no pre-order’ rule here, ESPECIALLY since he KNOWS he’s gonna get it anyway, so why not get a free character boost while he’s at it? Saves him another sixty bucks.”
“Alright, I might be willing to make an exception in Blizzard’s case.” Jake said. He paused. “But think of all the exciting zones you could level through! Take you for instance Spritzie. Don’t you want to level with one of your heroes Hemet Nesingwary in Nagrand? And then again in Sholazar Basin?” he slapped his forehead. “That’s right! You HAVE to go to Sholazar Basin, Spritzie. You want a proto-drake mount, right? Well, you gotta get revered with them Oracles first!”
“Actually, Rikko and me devised a better way to do that.” Spritzie said. “First, you boost Rikko. An arms warrior should be able to solo Wrath heroics no problem, right?”
“Right…” Jake said. “But I don’t see how Wrath heroics have anything to do with this.”
“Check our achievement page.” Rikko said. “We are this close to getting the ‘Glory of the Hero’ achievement, which guarantees a proto-drake in the mail. And since achievements and mounts are all account-bound now, I could do it no sweat.”
“Hell, I could do it right now.” Jakko threw in his two cents.
“It’s a way better way to get a proto-drake then just buying an egg over and over again and hoping you get lucky.” Spritzie pointed out. “Once Rikko gets the proto-drake, which will become MY proto-drake thanks to account-bound mounts, there’ll be no reason left for me NOT to boost.”
“Plus, shooting for those achievements will give me a chance to grind rep with the Horde Expedition, which will allow ME to get a mount as well; the mechano-hog that I’ve been eyeing since forever.” Rikko went on. “Two mounts, one stone.”
Jake was sweating now. There HAD to have been some way to convince them. “Well, why do you two want to get to max level so bad anyway? What’s the rush?”
“I want a cloud serpent mount.” Spritzie flatly said. “Now.”
“Jakko’s working on that!” Jake replied. “Right Jakko?” he turned to his main, hoping he would back him up on this.
“Two things.” Jakko said. “One, cloud serpents are one of the few mounts in the game that aren’t account-bound. And second, after doing a few quests for the Order of the Cloud Serpent; the cutscenes and stuff like that, I realized that Spritzie really should be the one actually questing for ‘em. She wants the experience, you know.”
“It’s true, I do.” Spritzie said with a nod.
“Well, speaking of experience, if you guys really wanna get to 90 that bad, just level up.” Jake said.
“We would if someone wasn’t so lazy and easily distracted.” Rikko growled at Jake. “Not to mention cheap.”
“Cheap? Who’s cheap? I’m not cheap.” Jake said.
“Admit it. You just don’t wanna spend a hundred bucks on two boosts for each of us.” Spritzie accused.
Jake looked around. The more time went on, the more he felt like a trapped animal. “We deserve to be max level right now.” Spritzie went on. “You had your chance to level us. Now you gotta pay.”
He looked around more. There had to have been something, anything to save his money. He then spotted the calendar. Salvation! “Mid-Summer Fire Festival!” Jake yelled.
Rikko and Spritzie paused and raised their eyebrows. “Pardon?” Spritzie asked.
“Today is the first day of the Mid-Summer Fire Festival.” Jake began. “There will be fire dance poles in every major questing hub in every zone across Azeroth and Outland, which give a MASSIVE boost to all XP gains. It will run from today to July 5th. If ever there was a time to power-level the two of you to max-level, this is it.”
“Power-level?” Rikko asked. He barked out a laugh. “Come on Jake, everyone knows you’re slower than continental drift. You read quest text, you’re easily distracted by resource nodes, you wouldn’t know the difference between the Howling Fjord and the Borean Tundra. Basically, you couldn’t power-level your way out of a paper-bag.”
“I could if I wanted to! If I really set my mind to it!” Jake indignantly said.
“Wanna bet?” Rikko asked with an evil smile, one that Spritzie joined him in. “Here are our terms. Starting today until July 5th, the last day of the Mid-Summer Fire Festival, you power-level the shit out of us. If either of us are not at least level 86 by the end of the Festival, we get boosted. Deal?”
“……Deal.” Jake said. He honestly wasn’t sure about this. He never considered himself to be the fastest leveler, but what choice did he have? It was either this or cough up a hundred bucks.
“And I want a complete heirloom set!” Spritzie pointed out. “Jakko?”
“I’ve already got enough justice points for one, I can easily get enough for another while I grind for valor points.” Jakko assured his baby sister.
“Alright then.” Rikko said as he clapped his hands together and rubbed them greedily. “Let’s get to it. After all, time is money.”
((So there you have it. After being sick and tired of lowbies, Rikko and Spritzie are gonna force me to power-level them for the next two weeks.))
((Seriously though, if anyone's got any power-leveling tips, I'm all ears.))
((Well, the Mid-Summer Fire Festival has come and gone. Let's see what kind of progress my two goblin alts have made))
"You murdered Arthas with your bare hands?" a pandaren woman asked, her eyes widened.
"Eyup." Rikko replied as he leaned back on his chair, situated on Turtle Beach, just in time for the Wanderer's Festival.
"And then you shot a rocket right into Deathwing's gullet?" Another pandaren woman, a red-skinned with a tail, asked as he tail wagged in excitement.
"Eyup." Rikko replied.
"And now you're here to fight the mogu, the mantid, and the Sha?" a third Pandaren lady with pigtails asked.
"It's what I do, baby." Rikko said. "And once I'm done kicking Lei Shen's tale, Garrosh Douchescream is next on my shit-list."
"Finally, about time Hellscream gets what's coming to him after everything he did to the Vale of Eternal Blossoms." The tailed pandaren said.
"But do you really think you can beat him?" the pigtailed one asked.
"Baby....have you seen me?" Rikko said right before he took off his shirt to show off his impressive physique. All three of the pandaren women gasped.
"Oh.....my...." the first one said as she ran a finger down his abs as he chewed on her bottom lip.
"By the Red Crane, my bra is suddenly feeling a little tight." the one with pigtails commented. "Could you take it off Rikko? With your teeth?"
"We were about to have a sausage-swallowing contest." the tailed one said. "Would you like to be the judge?"
Rikko smiled as he leaned back and tucked his arms behind his head and made himself even more comfortable. "I think I'm gonna like it here...."
Meanwhile, somewhere in Northrend.....
Spritzie watched, shivering in her seat, as another gaggle of penguins waddled by. She gripped her blanket tightly to keep herself warm, but alas, it was in vain. It didn't help that her full heirloom set showed far too much skin for this kind of environment. Her teeth clattering, she shuffled over to a nearby mailbox and began writing a letter to her creator....
BOOST ME YOU ASS
She jammed her letter in the mailbox and went back to her bench to continue shivering in misery.
((So there you have it! Rikko is 85 and has finally reached Pandaria, which means it won't be too long until he's maximum level. As for poor Spritzie, she's only level 68. I'm thinking of boosting her obviously, but then again, the Darkmoon Faire is in town this week. That merry-go-round gives a 10% XP buff as well.....Maybe I'll continue power-leveling her a bit more this week.))
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